Body Image Is Everything...

...even when you don't want it to be.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I struggle with my body image.  I'm always trying to lose weight and "get in shape".  Unfortunately being 27 weeks pregnant doesn't change the imagery.  Yes, I am creating life.  Yes, carrying around a tiny human-in-the-making changes your body in ways you can't image.  No, the "I'm fat" feeling doesn't go away.

Even though I'm pregnant, sometimes I can't shake the feeling that I don't "look the way I should" or I'm not "carrying it right".  I know that this pregnancy is different from my first two because I am able to shop for maternity clothes in my actual size and I haven't gone up in size at all and I feel like that's something.  A few weeks ago my doc was worried about my weight gain because I had already put on 20lbs.  I backed off of the carbs but didn't get any more activity in (or any activity at all, for that matter).  She hasn't said anything about it the past two appointments so that leads me to believe that I'm going in the right direction.  It's just so EASY for me to gain weight and so hard for me to lose it.

With my first two, I gained 58 and 56 pounds, respectively.  I managed to lose all of it both times, but seeing as how I was overweight to begin with I was never truly happy with that fact.  I wish that there was something in my brain that would just switch on and say "hey, you're pregnant.  it's totally okay for your body to change and you should embrace every bit of it", but there isn't.  I still feel like "I'm too big" or "I don't look pregnant 'the right way'"...not that either of those things should matter either.

I'm a work in process...especially since this work is creating a masterpiece of her own.  Deep (DEEP) down I know that.  I just wish it would come more to the surface.