Body Image Is Everything...

...even when you don't want it to be.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I struggle with my body image.  I'm always trying to lose weight and "get in shape".  Unfortunately being 27 weeks pregnant doesn't change the imagery.  Yes, I am creating life.  Yes, carrying around a tiny human-in-the-making changes your body in ways you can't image.  No, the "I'm fat" feeling doesn't go away.

Even though I'm pregnant, sometimes I can't shake the feeling that I don't "look the way I should" or I'm not "carrying it right".  I know that this pregnancy is different from my first two because I am able to shop for maternity clothes in my actual size and I haven't gone up in size at all and I feel like that's something.  A few weeks ago my doc was worried about my weight gain because I had already put on 20lbs.  I backed off of the carbs but didn't get any more activity in (or any activity at all, for that matter).  She hasn't said anything about it the past two appointments so that leads me to believe that I'm going in the right direction.  It's just so EASY for me to gain weight and so hard for me to lose it.

With my first two, I gained 58 and 56 pounds, respectively.  I managed to lose all of it both times, but seeing as how I was overweight to begin with I was never truly happy with that fact.  I wish that there was something in my brain that would just switch on and say "hey, you're pregnant.  it's totally okay for your body to change and you should embrace every bit of it", but there isn't.  I still feel like "I'm too big" or "I don't look pregnant 'the right way'"...not that either of those things should matter either.

I'm a work in process...especially since this work is creating a masterpiece of her own.  Deep (DEEP) down I know that.  I just wish it would come more to the surface.

Week 27: My Beautiful (Cauli)Flower

Yep, she's as big as a head of cauliflower.

It’s been so long since I’ve written anything!  I’ve had the time, I guess I just haven’t had the motivation.  Everything is going really well.  Just had my 27 week check-up (yikes!) and my little Thumper is growing beautifully.  Right now she is the perfect average size (not too big – not to small) and she is projected to be about 2lbs. 4oz.  I have a history of smaller-than-usual babies, so we’ll be keeping an eye out.

I can’t believe we’re in the home stretch!  I have my next appointment in 3 weeks.  Two weeks after that I’ll be looked after twice a week: once for an ultrasound and once for fetal monitoring and a physical check-up.  Because I’m of “advanced maternal age” (i.e. old) these are necessary precautions. I’m not complaining, I get to see my baby once a week!

The fatigue is setting back in and I cry over stupid stuff, but everything is chugging along.  She’s thumping away in my belly as I type…she probably knows I’m talking about her!  The kids are still really excited, they’ve both had a chance to feel her movement.  It’s cute to see their faces light up when she moves or kicks.  This one is definitely going to be another Daddy’s Girl though…she goes insane when she hears his voice.  That’s definitely a good problem to have, though.

I think I’ve entered the nesting phase of the process.  I’m starting to feel concern* about the fact that I feel unprepared for her arrival.  We have the major stuff…crib and changing table/dresser, but that’s basically it.  I also need to start thinking about a hospital bag.  Lots to do, lots to do!

*nice way of saying “freak out”